Dear Walmart,

Recently, I read that you are having trouble with selling apparel. Since I am a humble customer of yours, I thought I'd let you know what I think. First, I think you should merge with Google, blanket the entire earth with free wi-fi, and begin selling various government services right next to the manicure place in your stores. Yes, I know that will take a while, especially since the freaking smart kids at Google want to prove they can take over the world all by themselves!
Meanwhile, if you want to sell clothes please remember this, DON'T BE COOL!!!
Yes, you read that right Walmart, I am begging you not to be cool. If anyone wants cool clothes, they go somewhere else, like Old Navy, the Gap, or that crazy goth store I once visited in the French Quarter.
When I go to Wal-mart for clothes, I want cheap and sturdy. Who shops for clothes at Walmart? People like me who will pick up a few things on the cheap because we are deluding ourselves into assuming we will lose some weight soon. See, we figure we will go to the cool stores, AFTER we lose the weight. Now, we never actually get to the cool stores, so you just need to get us buying a bit more and everything will be cool for you.
So, think dull. I don't want loud colors or patterns, I just want simple. I like nice, I like quality, and if you can deliver that for a cheap price, I'll keep coming back. Go incredibly old school. Aim for style and eschew fashion. Be the one store that modest people enjoy shopping in.
Please get rid of the "sculpted" underwear for guys. If guys want sculpted underwear, chances are they already have some specialty store with their cup size on hand. And remember, there are plenty of hoochie-mama stores out there. Get rid of the slinky stuff and give more floor space to the Pentecostals and the Catholics. You can praise the Lord all the way to the bank.
Look Walmart, don't fall for the popularity contest. Sure, Target is the cool big box store, but who cares? The popular kids always end up dead in a drunk driving accident. If some retarded fashion designer wants to put his name on clothes in Target, so what? You have the entire nation of China! And India too. You know what that is? That's Billions!!! So don't be like everybody else. Everybody else gives me a headache...