Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Skinny Children Are Wine Drinkers

Via Conditioning Research, I find out there's study suggesting a chemical in red wine stops immature fat cells from maturing. Clearly this is a case where America's war against underage drinking is interfering with America's war against childhood obesity. Granted, the average underage drinker is downing cheap grain based beer, but an illegal drinker is seldom given the education necessary to refine his palate. One's formative drinking years are crucial, and yet America insists on allowing the average eleven year old's palate to be bombarded with the blunt instruments of industrial strength flavor, not even really flavor really, but weaponized taste- over-saturation of sweet, sour, bitter, and salt. Children are not allowed umami at all, but are forced instead to have their senses brutalized with MSG.

So, here we are, hip deep in a childhood obesity epidemic (or at least that's what some dude in a white coat says- maybe he just wants more grant money) and it turns out at least two generations have been ruined because they couldn't have a nice glass of Chianti with their spaghetti-0s.
Were inebriated children really such a scourge to this land before the government made us safe? I can't remember any stories about drunken, roving hordes of twelve year-olds from my history classes. I've got a degree in history, but maybe I missed that one, what with all the roving hordes of communists, socialists, fascists, and assorted idiots who kept insisting on making the world safe for 'democracy'. Democracy got your children fat, because it turns out democracy is nothing but another bunch of busybodies making your kids drink skim milk and eat soy rather than having a nice steak and a glass of Cabernet.

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