Sola Scriptura And My Reading Comprehension Scores

Ever since I was a wee little one being taught how fill the little bubbles on the test sheets with pencil lead, I have been in the top percentile for reading comprehension. This means that if you believe in Sola Scriptura you must therefore believe that, assuming I have the relevant scripture to hand, properly translated into English, I can understand what it means and if we disagree for some reason, well you are probably wrong.

Yes Virginia, that is a crappy run-on sentence, but I am tired. I can and have read the bible. If anybody has a Knox bible they'd like to donate to me, that'd be great, because I'd like a better translation than the one I have now. What I don't like is bad arguments, really pointless ones. There was some dude on the internet actually suggesting the entire initial community in Jerusalem was disobedient. As in they never should have even been a community. I guess they were supposed to leave Jerusalem immediately and go run around the planet spreading the gospel. So, the people who knew Christ, who had just been given the Holy Spirit- completely with the old-fashioned tongues of fire goodness- just immediately went and screwed up. Yeah, if that's true, what's the use of me trying to get out of bed in the morning?

So, let me just put ya'll on notice. Your doctrine, for most of ya'll who pull this crap are Sola Scriptura types, leaves you with no defense against my reading comprehension. By your logic, I am near infallible. If you are going to tell me the Holy Spirit is helping you read better than me, first, you better not be talking crap about our ancestors in the faith, like this guy I mentioned did, because if they can't get it together after personally interacting with the second and third persons of the Trinity, you sure can't. Second, I could mention appeals to the Holy Spirit aren't really sola scriptura, are they?

Sola Scriptura is as legalistic as this is: Babylonian Talmud, Baba Metzia 59b:

It is taught: On that day R. Eliezer brought forward every imaginable argument, but the Sages did not accept any of them. Finally he said to them: "If the Halakhah (religious law) is in accordance with me, let this carob tree prove it!" Sure enough the carob tree immediately uprooted itself and moved one hundred cubits, and some say 400 cubits, from its place. "No proof can be brought from a carob tree," they retorted.

And again he said to them "If the Halakhah agrees with me, let the channel of water prove it!" Sure enough, the channel of water flowed backward. "No proof can be brought from a channel of water," they rejoined.

Again he urged, "If the Halakhah agrees with me, let the walls of the house of study prove it!" Sure enough, the walls tilted as if to fall. But R. Joshua, rebuked the walls, saying, "When disciples of the wise are engaged in a halakhic dispute, what right have you to interfere?" Hence in deference to R. Joshua they did not fall and in deference to R. Eliezer they did not resume their upright position; they are still standing aslant.

Again R. Eliezer then said to the Sages, "If the Halakhah agrees with me, let it be proved from heaven." Sure enough, a divine voice cried out, "Why do you dispute with R. Eliezer, with whom the Halakhah always agrees?" R. Joshua stood up and protested: "The Torah is not in heaven!" (Deut. 30:12). We pay no attention to a divine voice because long ago at Mount Sinai You wrote in your Torah at Mount Sinai, `After the majority must one incline'. (Ex. 23:2)"

R. Nathan met [the prophet] Elijah [3] and asked him, "What did the Holy One do at that moment?" Elijah: "He laughed [with joy], saying, 'My children have defeated Me, My children have defeated Me.'"

I don't think it was a laugh of joy. Too many of you trap yourselves. Then you want to trap me. No thanks. I've spent this much time dragging myself out of the muck. I figure I ought to keep trying.