No Child Left Behind Memo

From the NCLB czar:

We have sought from the beginning to make sure no child was left behind, but unfortunately, if we let one single kid actually make any progress in their education, that inevitably meant somebody else was left behind. We tried various measures to correct for this, such as teaching absolute dross, forcing Ritilan and various psychopharmalogical drugs on anyone who had any potential, and encouraging various activities that would either cause pregnancy or cause the self-esteem of the smart girls to plunge to zero.

Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, some children still managed to learn something. The worst, and most obvious example, of course, are those home-schooled kids who are notorious for actually knowing something. Alas, even in school, which we completely control, some children get ahead, which means some poor pathetic children get left behind. What is particularly amazing is how many children will learn stuff, even unintentionally, when they know we have given tacit permission for the bullies to beat them to a pulp if they show the slightest sign of intelligence.

We have analyzed the situation and have decided on mandatory cannabis inhalation as the greatest possible equalizer. Normally, we despise smoke as a drug delivery system, but we figure forcing children to smoke a joint every day will not only make the best and brightest pretty stupid, but it will also make the athletic a bit less athletic, so the fat and unhealthy kids won't feel left behind either. A small study was done with cocaine and heroin, but we found that smart kids on coke tended to found media empires and smart kids on heroin sometimes wrote incomprehensible prose that literary critics, for some reason, adored.

We figure, if we can start our new regimen early enough, no child will be left behind, because no one will be able to actually leave the cartoon watching, cheeto-eating, fart-joke telling stage. If, by some miracle, they actually make any money, they will plaster the name of their favorite candy all over their cars, wear clownishly proportioned clothes, and have vocabularies so impoverished that the sole bit of cleverness in rap, which was the rhyming and the word-choice, will completely dissappear.